It's Time to Let Go

It all started with a simple hello on the 7th day of December 2011. Beginning that moment, we started our conversation, you asked my cellphone number and later exchanged text messages. We see each other during our masteral classes every Saturday. During those times, I have developed a special attraction on you for being so intelligent and very responsible career man. On the 24th day of December, I was doing my final requirements in one of our subjects when I received a text message coming from you saying, "Merry Christmas classmate." I was surprised by your greeting because never did I expect it from you. I just replied, "Merry Christmas too classmate." I thought it was already finished but then you asked me where is your Christmas gift from me. It was January 07, 2012 when I secretly gave you my wrapped Christmas gift (necktie) before I left the room to go home. Also that date, it just happened that it was your last day of attending classes because you will be working on your new job the following week. It was on the gloomy 14th of January 2012 when I asked you if you will not attend classes anymore. And you said yes because of the time constraint required by your job. We exchanged text messages until you asked me to go out the following day. And it happened; we went out for the first time. And the rest as they say is history. 

It is unexplainable why I feel like you're the missing piece of my heart. I'm not exaggerating things, just honestly saying what I really feel. I might be wrong or right, but that's the way I feel. I've been into relationships for many times, but only with you I felt this way though we're not couple. What I loved most about you is that you are spiritually committed. You once a choir member and I have found out that you studied in a private catholic school. I believe you're the person who has a deeper understanding about faith in God. Another thing is I'm so thankful that you've never took advantage of me.

September 08, 2012. It was Mama Mary's birthday when I attended mass after my school classes. After the mass, I checked my phone and there I found several messages and missed call coming from you. You're waiting at the nearby restaurant and you want us to talk. But it was already an hour and I was thinking maybe you're not there anymore. My bestfriend told me that I have to call you to know if you're still there and I did. 

We talked at the closed area of Mang Inasal with a playing music in the background and just the two of us around. What a sweet and kilig moment it was! We started our serious talk by putting cards on the table with questions, explanations, a sort of arguments and confrontations. And we ended up agreed on a mutual setup because you keep on telling me that it is the best way of knowing each other. All you want is a relationship that will only lasts for a lifetime. You won't take the risk of getting into romantic relationship until you've completely get to know if we are really meant for each other. All you want first is to build a foundation of friendship between us. Then only time can tell if when is the best moment for us to level up our friendship into romantic one. If not, then you would cherish the friendship that we have. I got the point though I know it was unfair. But still I agreed. Several weeks have been good to us. We talked just like we're best of friends. We shared information and exchanged jokes. But in the blink of an eye, you've suddenly changed without saying any reason behind it.

I'll be missing things we both love doing...

  ... attending Sunday mass

  ... planning a Visita Iglesia

  ... dining out and watching movies

  ... hanging out at the mall

  ... playing games at Timezone

  ... and visiting nature's park.

I care so much about you. Even through all the hurtful things you've said about me, I couldn't ever stay mad at you. But I came to a point wherein I could no longer bear the pain and I'm too tired in giving you my comprehension. I can't keep looking out for you and making you my world when all it ends in disappointment. You don't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It's not fair anymore. It's time to focus on myself again. If someday we meet again and the spark is still there, I won't drag you out.

But for now, it's time to let go. It may be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do, but I promise I'll be okay. The feeling will pass, I just have to be patient and be strong enough. I promise one day you'll be nothing but a lesson well learned. Still, I don't know what God has in store for us. We might walk on separate ways but I will always thankful for everything. I would always pray that God may lead us to where the best place for both of us. Wonderful memories will always remain and be treasured forever.

Princess in Disguise

I saw her wearing her cutest smile while talking to a friend. She is a simple lady with a humble heart. She brings inspiration to those who needed it. She lends a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear to someone she cares. She is a good provider to her family. She has a positive outlook in life. I have witnessed how she sacrificed her own happiness for the sake of her family. I have seen how she succeeded in some of her struggles in her life's journey. I have proven how she dearly love her family and give them the best that she can be. I have seen how proud she was when her dreams for her beloved family have been fulfilled and all the efforts she'd given to them have been rewarded. She tearfully thanked God for all the graces and answered prayers bestowed to her family.

But there's one thing they didn't know about her. When darkness comes and the sun is out, her smile turns into cry. She takes off her mask. She must face her real world. A life of being alone and no one to love.

Yesterday night, I saw her all alone in her silent shell. Her little comfort zone has been a quiet witness to her lonely and pain-filled days. Just an hour, a sudden burst of frustration, despondency and hopelessness envelops her whole being. She cried and cried. She was attacked by a depression. She felt emptiness and a loss of love. She has a feeling of being drowned in the ocean of fear and failure. She couldn't fathom the realities and uncertainties of life. She is afraid to be left alone and lonely. She is afraid things will not be okay.

Sometimes, a teaspoon of regret makes her heart shattered into pieces. If only she had fight for the love she once had, maybe she won the battle of love. If only she had not let go of him, maybe she now happy with a man she truly loved. If only she said yes to his man's marriage proposal, maybe she is now happy and contented wife. If only she had think and decide only for herself, maybe she now living with a family of her own. But it's too late. She can never turn back the pages of time.

I sigh, realizing that 
          I've lost my sanity amidst 
                   the dark and stormy night.
                                                          :-(

Dear Mr. A: An Old Flame

More than three years have passed since we parted ways and never been reconnected. Until one day, I received a missed call and found out it was you. Then, we were re-communicated once more.

It seems you're talking to me just like nothing happened in the past. You're still the same person that I once knew. You always pestering me with your sarcastic remarks. Enough for me to feel quite mad at you the way you are. But I guess there is no more question about it. It's you.. the real you.

Now, you want me back. Is it that easy? Maybe, for you. The first time I heard it from you, I don't know what my reaction is. Am I happy? I remain still. But the feeling I think isn't there anymore. You said you will gonna prove that you have unfeigned love. Do I have to believe? For all the pain you caused me, do you still worthy of my full trust? Do I have to give you a second chance?

I'm sorry. That's all I can say at this very moment. After weighing things out, I've realized some things never last. The feelings I have for you before exists no more. I try to feel within my heart if you're still resides in there but my heart says you're out of her life now. I am really sorry but I don't love you anymore.  

I have overcome the struggle and burden you have caused me. The past hurt and mistake made me a stronger person. It taught me how to accept my loss and brave enough to go through life without you. Thank you for the chance, I was given an ample time in expressing what my heart and mind wanted to say. You need to move on now. You have to let go. Let's just be fair. Let's just be friends! That's the only thing I could offer you right now. It will never change. And will never be.

Insensitive People

Would you be glad when on Valentine's Day someone will tell you, "How pity you are! You have no significant other to be with on this special day?" I guess not! I think it's pretty normal to feel bad when you know within yourself that there are times in your life you do feel unloved, alone and lonely. What would be the best response on this situation? I don't know the best answer. I only replied, "You know nothing about me." It was happened last February 14, 2011. A certain colleague spoke this ironic words towards me. I just can't ignore the hurt it caused me. I was offended and felt insulted by his ill-remarks.

I just don't know why there are some insensitive people who really can't hold their tongue and happy to hurt others through giving sarcastic remarks. A negative words that could hurt someone's feeling. Others might say I'm just bitter in love. I won't blame you. Maybe you're right. I'm just being myself. A simple and sensitive lady cat.

Valentine's Day reminds me of the unpleasant memories and failed relationships I had in the past. It adds to my injury when some people keep on criticizing and asking repeated questions about my love life. Does it show utmost concern? Or they wanted only to destroy my self-confidence? I don't owe them a single cent. Neither did I ask them a bit of their comments and opinions. They don't even have a common knowledge about me and what I've been through in life.  I have my own life and reason to live the way it is. They had no right to put me down and break me into pieces. I should remind myself.

I'm not ashamed that I lost the battle of love for several times. I accept it with humility and a courageous heart. Still, I'm not afraid to fall in love again. I'm not even afraid of commitment. But I'm not a perfect girl. I have flaws and imperfection. But I am unique. I won't push myself to look for love. I let my heart finds it. Maybe it's not yet the perfect time. Just maybe. I mused it was. Only God knows.

At this very moment, I claim, "The best is yet to come. Someone better will walk into my life and I will find my one true love."

Still Can't Move On

It’s been almost six years since an old flame and I parted ways without official closure. He moved on within a snap of time and found a new love until they got married. I felt so much heartache and hatred and I have promised myself that I should keep going and moving on with my life. We never talked nor became friends after more than a few years. Then one day I accepted his friend request on friendster. Since then we’ve got the chance to talk online. We talked about life’s situation and a little bit of our past relationship. That moment I know deep within my heart I still have feelings for him. But I know it’s definitely great amiss. I stopped communicating with him and see to it that I’m always invisible whenever we’re both online. 

Month passed and we never heard anything from each other. Along the way, I fall in love with someone else whom I thought he’s the right one for me and wished to be with him for the rest of my life. But it never happened. I was left alone with so many unanswered questions in mind. I accepted how it ended and finally my life backed to normal as life must go on. 

Lately, the said old flame kept on haunting me and coming back again like an echo. I thought I’ve moved on but now I’ve totally figured out that I’m not. Every time he communicates with me on facebook and see him that he’s happy, I don’t know why inside my heart, I still feel pain, indeed, I still love him. Why I can’t forget him? Sometimes, it really makes me stupid to think futile and foolish things though I knew it will just bring me pain. Pathetic, that’s what I am.

I really wanted to shut him in my life. I wish I could move on now. So that one day, I could face and treat him just like an old friend nothing more, nothing less.

Online Love Affair

Never in my wildest imagination I have thought of entering a love affair through internet. It was a year ago when my cousin introduced me into dating website. At first I took for granted her idea of signing up in one of the websites she'd given me. Then I had realized that there's nothing to worry about in trying it out. So I signed up and accepted the terms and conditions of the website. A week later I've got a lot of messages from different places here and abroad. There are Filipinos but most of them are foreigners. They've invited me to be one of their friends and have accepted some of them whom I think they deserve it.

I got curious in one particular foreign guy because he messaged me in mixed language, our language (Tagalog) and English. Out of curiosity I replied his message and then he replied me back and later on we've chatted almost everyday. I found him very nice and endearing. I've been honest and truly trusted him in every  thing he says. Months have passed and we've been comfortable with each other. We talked almost everything, shared stories, exchanged comments and ideas in almost all aspects of life. After five months of chatting online I knew from my heart that he's very special to me. Then one day he told me that he loves me already; my heart shouted for joy after hearing it. Eventually, we became lovers online. He then proposed marriage but I told him that we should meet in person first to get to know more and have a heart-to-heart talk before we decide for such commitment in which he agreed. I waited for months for his arrival here in Manila, Philippines to do business work and at the same time to meet me.

Being a good researcher I might say, I tried to search a bit more of his profile and have found out something fishy that bothers me. I told him what I did and asked him some questions but he got mad at me. I apologized but he just left me with a single word "bye". I sent him messages but he never responded. He even deleted his profile in the dating website where we met. I cried a bucket and my heart was shattered when distress and chagrin dawned on  me. Almost a couple of months I still hoped for the appeasement but  it never  betided. I still have unanswered questions in mind. But then I came to the conclusion that he betrayed me and have been dishonest with me. I don't disavow that I was hurt and disappointed for what had happened.

Now, I have moved on and have accepted that it happened for a reason. I'll just leave it up to God and let Him handle the journey of my heart.