Princess in Disguise

I saw her wearing her cutest smile while talking to a friend. She is a simple lady with a humble heart. She brings inspiration to those who needed it. She lends a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear to someone she cares. She is a good provider to her family. She has a positive outlook in life. I have witnessed how she sacrificed her own happiness for the sake of her family. I have seen how she succeeded in some of her struggles in her life's journey. I have proven how she dearly love her family and give them the best that she can be. I have seen how proud she was when her dreams for her beloved family have been fulfilled and all the efforts she'd given to them have been rewarded. She tearfully thanked God for all the graces and answered prayers bestowed to her family.

But there's one thing they didn't know about her. When darkness comes and the sun is out, her smile turns into cry. She takes off her mask. She must face her real world. A life of being alone and no one to love.

Yesterday night, I saw her all alone in her silent shell. Her little comfort zone has been a quiet witness to her lonely and pain-filled days. Just an hour, a sudden burst of frustration, despondency and hopelessness envelops her whole being. She cried and cried. She was attacked by a depression. She felt emptiness and a loss of love. She has a feeling of being drowned in the ocean of fear and failure. She couldn't fathom the realities and uncertainties of life. She is afraid to be left alone and lonely. She is afraid things will not be okay.

Sometimes, a teaspoon of regret makes her heart shattered into pieces. If only she had fight for the love she once had, maybe she won the battle of love. If only she had not let go of him, maybe she now happy with a man she truly loved. If only she said yes to his man's marriage proposal, maybe she is now happy and contented wife. If only she had think and decide only for herself, maybe she now living with a family of her own. But it's too late. She can never turn back the pages of time.

I sigh, realizing that 
          I've lost my sanity amidst 
                   the dark and stormy night.
                                                          :-(

Still Can't Move On

It’s been almost six years since an old flame and I parted ways without official closure. He moved on within a snap of time and found a new love until they got married. I felt so much heartache and hatred and I have promised myself that I should keep going and moving on with my life. We never talked nor became friends after more than a few years. Then one day I accepted his friend request on friendster. Since then we’ve got the chance to talk online. We talked about life’s situation and a little bit of our past relationship. That moment I know deep within my heart I still have feelings for him. But I know it’s definitely great amiss. I stopped communicating with him and see to it that I’m always invisible whenever we’re both online. 

Month passed and we never heard anything from each other. Along the way, I fall in love with someone else whom I thought he’s the right one for me and wished to be with him for the rest of my life. But it never happened. I was left alone with so many unanswered questions in mind. I accepted how it ended and finally my life backed to normal as life must go on. 

Lately, the said old flame kept on haunting me and coming back again like an echo. I thought I’ve moved on but now I’ve totally figured out that I’m not. Every time he communicates with me on facebook and see him that he’s happy, I don’t know why inside my heart, I still feel pain, indeed, I still love him. Why I can’t forget him? Sometimes, it really makes me stupid to think futile and foolish things though I knew it will just bring me pain. Pathetic, that’s what I am.

I really wanted to shut him in my life. I wish I could move on now. So that one day, I could face and treat him just like an old friend nothing more, nothing less.