Chaotic Mind

I have chaotic mind today once again. I don't really understand what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel good thinking positive and looking forward to a wonderful days ahead; but suddenly sadness and rejection enveloped my whole being. I just don't know why. It seems like I'm living alone, doing everything I could to fly high but it seems I feel like a failure. Sometimes death is my ultimate wish just to escape the pain and hatred I have inside. How could I ignore the shadow of the past when it's still recurring every now and then? Only God knows what is the real thing happened to me when I was a child. I can't voice it out to anyone because they may not understand me. I didn't try to confess it to my parents nor my siblings to avoid conflicts between our relatives. Even a closest friend didn't know the real thing about it. They knew a bit but not exactly the whole thing. I'm afraid they might not understand or else they might judge me. I really really hate this kind of feeling!

Short Talk with a Guidance Counselor

Today, it might be an ordinary day for someone else but for me it's a special one. It is because I had a great short talk with a guidance counselor here at my workplace. I went to her office and we had a closed-door short talk about ourselves, our needs and wants. I get along very well with her that's why I'm confident enough to tell her my feelings, longings and desires of my heart. I felt a sense of relief after we talked because of such words of wisdom and advices she'd given me. I really appreciate her for giving me a fraction of her precious time in listening on my woes. She understands how I felt and she shared with me her past situation she'd faced before just like what I have right now. I thank her for giving me encouraging words and a piece of advice that would lift up my spirit. And she keep on telling me that whichever place or life situation we are in right now is God's will and He would definitely guide and lead us to the perfect place and situation He prepared for us.

Before I bid goodbye and thank her for the time, she even asked me what's my prayer request. I answered her with a smile and by that she understands what I really mean.

Back to School

School has officially started yesterday. And it means a lot to me. Not because I will go back to school but instead my beloved brother will do. I called it as answered prayer because it's been a long time since I've been praying that my brother would realize the value of education and change her attitude towards life's journey. He is quite hardheaded and I ignore him just like I don't care for him. But God knows how I do love him and wish for a better life for him. I just wanted him to realize all the mistakes he did in the past. 

One day, he told me that he wants to go back to school and pursue his education. I felt glad upon hearing it and tears of joy flowed down my cheeks. I told him that if he's really sure of what he wants; then, I will help and provide him financial assistance in his studies. And now, he's looking forward to his classes being a working student armed with determination to finish the one year vocational course he enrolled in. I give him two thumbs up for his enthusiasm and perseverance to improve himself and strive to build a better life ahead. And I thanked God for He has answered my prayer. Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ!

A(H1N1) Vaccine

According to wiki.answers.com; A(H1N1) is similar to Swine flu. Swine influenza (swine flu) is caused by type A influenza virus and gives pigs the flu. Swine flu viruses cause regular outbreaks of flu in pigs but death is infrequent. The viruses may circulate among pigs throughout the year, but most outbreaks occur during the late fall and winter months similar to outbreaks in humans. The classical swine flu virus (an influenza type A H1N1 virus) was first isolated from a pig in 1930.

Last Friday afternoon, we were informed that there is an ongoing free A(H1N1) Vaccination at the Conference Room near Chief Nurse's Office. We got a free shot of A(H1N1) Vaccine that day and we're glad that we have protection against the H1N1 and seasonal flu especially now that the rainy season is already here in which our skin is prone to infections during this weather.

Still Can't Move On

It’s been almost six years since an old flame and I parted ways without official closure. He moved on within a snap of time and found a new love until they got married. I felt so much heartache and hatred and I have promised myself that I should keep going and moving on with my life. We never talked nor became friends after more than a few years. Then one day I accepted his friend request on friendster. Since then we’ve got the chance to talk online. We talked about life’s situation and a little bit of our past relationship. That moment I know deep within my heart I still have feelings for him. But I know it’s definitely great amiss. I stopped communicating with him and see to it that I’m always invisible whenever we’re both online. 

Month passed and we never heard anything from each other. Along the way, I fall in love with someone else whom I thought he’s the right one for me and wished to be with him for the rest of my life. But it never happened. I was left alone with so many unanswered questions in mind. I accepted how it ended and finally my life backed to normal as life must go on. 

Lately, the said old flame kept on haunting me and coming back again like an echo. I thought I’ve moved on but now I’ve totally figured out that I’m not. Every time he communicates with me on facebook and see him that he’s happy, I don’t know why inside my heart, I still feel pain, indeed, I still love him. Why I can’t forget him? Sometimes, it really makes me stupid to think futile and foolish things though I knew it will just bring me pain. Pathetic, that’s what I am.

I really wanted to shut him in my life. I wish I could move on now. So that one day, I could face and treat him just like an old friend nothing more, nothing less.