Chaotic Mind

I have chaotic mind today once again. I don't really understand what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel good thinking positive and looking forward to a wonderful days ahead; but suddenly sadness and rejection enveloped my whole being. I just don't know why. It seems like I'm living alone, doing everything I could to fly high but it seems I feel like a failure. Sometimes death is my ultimate wish just to escape the pain and hatred I have inside. How could I ignore the shadow of the past when it's still recurring every now and then? Only God knows what is the real thing happened to me when I was a child. I can't voice it out to anyone because they may not understand me. I didn't try to confess it to my parents nor my siblings to avoid conflicts between our relatives. Even a closest friend didn't know the real thing about it. They knew a bit but not exactly the whole thing. I'm afraid they might not understand or else they might judge me. I really really hate this kind of feeling!